Example research essay topic: Cereal’s Tragic Tales – 1,676 words

… he Real Jan Brady. I was really happenin in a
far out kinda way! I wanted to get my dog’s
picture taken, so I went to the picture store, and
they said that if you have a baby, you could have
your picture taken for free! So, I went and bought
some baby clothes and put him in them! Then I
brought him back. They thought he was awfully
hairy, but I said he had a growth problem, so they
stopped talking about it because they didnt want
him to feel bad. Then I brought home the pictures,
and hung them all over the tent! Well, today Kent
and I went down to the pet store. The ugly pet
store woman was there again! We went in the back
where the parrots were and we started teaching
them all these dirty words.

Then, when the ugly
woman came back to feed the parrots, and they were
all, “F*** you, stupid bitch!” We hid behind the
hamster cages, so she didn’t see us, but she saw
us, and said, “Oh, I see you had the baby!” I
showed her pictures of Spanky, and she thought he
was the cutest baby she ever saw. She was
wondering why he didn’t have a lot of hair though;
she said her babies were so hairy. I said, “That’s
nice??” and I walked away! Then we went to JC
Penney’s and we dressed up like mannequins, and
when people walked by we screamed at them, and
they all screamed like little girls. Today was
such a tiring day; I’m going to have a good night
sleep tonight! Then I thought to myself later on
in my tent…How could the pet store lady be so
dumb to believe that I had a baby? I’m a guy… I
was walking the Spankster Meister through the
mall, and he crapped all over the ground, so I
just left it. Then some mall police was all, “Ya
gonna clean that up?” and I’m all, “NO!” Then
she’s like, “You can’t have animals in here
anyway!” Then I said I was blind, and it was my
Seeing Eye dog, and that I couldn’t see the dog
crap to clean it up anyway.

Then she said, “You’re
blind, no wonder your hair looks like that!” Then
I walked away and I had to bump into everything to
make it more believable. I knew everyone was
staring at me, and I bumped into the escalator and
my shoelaces got stuck. So they had to shut down
the whole thing! Everyone was staring at me, and I
said “STOP STARING AT ME!!” Then I realized I was
supposed to be blind. Luckily, I bumped into Kent,
literally, and he/she told everyone that I had
problems. Then he/she had just seen Oprah! I asked
him/her if he/she had been taking his/her
medication, and he/she said yes, but I knew he/she
was lying. He’s/shes the one with the problems.

We
walked back to the sporting good store and I
accidentally slipped in Spanky’s crap and broke my
ribs. I slept in really late this morning, and
Spanky was eager to get out, so I let him run
around in traffic for a while. Then I put him back
in the tent, and Kent and I went looking for
something to do. We went to the dollar store and
bought some fake cowboy garbage. We put on the
sheriff badges, and we put some spurs on our
shoes. We walked up to this lady who was walking a
stroller, and said, “Do you have a license for
that?” She said she didn’t.

We said it was a mall
offense to drive a stroller without a license and
might be punishable by 2-4 hours in high security
mall prison. We said that we would let her go this
time, but next time she might not be so lucky.
Then we went up to these people who were totally
making out in American Eagle, and we gave them a
ticket and said, “PDA is a direct violation of
code 917 in book 12 of the rules of the mall.”
Before they could say anything to them we shoved a
case of Justin Timberlake cologne in front of
them, and sprayed it in their faces. They screamed
but we just laughed and bolted out. Then we went
to the food court and noticed that this guy was
throwing out a whole tray of food. I told him that
there were starving people in China and thirsty
people in Africa! But he just said, “Shove it!”
and then I said if he didn’t calm down I would
have to release the hounds on him and call for
backup. “What are you talking about?” He asked.

I
screamed, “BACKUP, BACKUP, release the hounds!” He
said he was sorry, and he took the food and gave
it to a poor smelly man sitting in the corner. “Ok
cancel backup! Cancel the hounds!” I yelled. Wow
what a great day. Kent went back to Mr. Greydick’s
house, and I went back to the tent. But to my
surprise, Spanky was gone! I forgot to let Spanky
back in from the highway! OH NO! I went to go see
where he was…and I was hit by an 18-wheeler and
died…

THE END? THE BEGINNING I came back to the
tent, and Spanky was gone! I knew someone had
kidnapped him. I thought of a list of suspects
while I walked around the tent, Regina, Cleothera,
Mr. Greydick, Kent, Zach Morristhen all of a
sudden I heard a barking sound coming from a
suitcase. I opened it up and it was Spanky! I
asked what he was doing in there, and he said that
I had won a trip to London. Wow, not only did I
win a trip to London, but my dog had learned how
to talk! The Kent said, No, its me! Kent! Im the
one who is talking! I turned around and saw that
it was Kent. Oh, it was you! Kent! Youre the one
who was talking! Kent said This is your birthday
present from me to you! Its a trip to London.

It
doesnt include airfare, accommodations, or
transportation. But, it does include this nice
suitcase that you can go in. I said I was so
happy, but I didnt know where I would stay once I
got there. He said once I got there wait for
Smelly Lice Head Boy, he would bring my suitcase
and put it on an ox and wagon and bring it to the
nice broken down jail in the woods where the
Indians used to trade their apothecary tables for
opium and lint. So I went with Kent and Spanky to
the airport. He tucked me and Spanky into the
suitcase and put it with the rest of the London
luggage.

He gave me some Scooby Doo fruit snacks
to eat incase I got hungry. It was really dark and
hot in the suitcase. I was getting tossed around
all over the place, and I assumed I was on the
airplane and flying to London. I was going to open
up the suitcase to get some air, but Kent had
locked it so that I didnt get stolen, and raped.
Spanky had stopped breathing, and there was Spanky
pee all over the place. Then about 37 hours later,
someone opened up the suitcase. My vision was
completely gone, so I thought it was Smelly Lice
Head Boy.

Turns out, it was Kent. He said I had
never left the airport and I had been going around
the luggage carousel thingy for almost two days. I
was all dizzy and smelly, and Spanky was almost
dead. So I decided to go home. I told Kent Thank
you, its the thought that counts, as I fell over
from dizziness and collapsed in the snow, turning
the snow all yellow from my urine saturated
clothes. Today I was awoken by a very loud noise.
It was a child crying.

A girl came into the tent
and said her name was Lindsay Manuel, and this was
her daughter who was crying. She told me some very
nice stories about how she was a hooker, and how
she had to sleep with STD infected guys in order
to feed her daughter. She kept making Maury and
Jerry Springer guest gestures toward and imaginary
camera. I offered her some drugs, but she got all
mad at me and told me to stop offering her drugs.
I asked her if she wanted to come to my birthday
party. I told her it was tonight. Lindsay and her
daughter were invited, and so were Kent, Mr.
Greydick.

Regina, Sven (even though no one likes
him), the ugly pet shop lady, some hobos, and a
bunch of Kens friends, and Lindsays hooker
friends. She said she would love to come. So that
night, they all came in to the tent. Some of the
hooker-like people I didnt recognize, but I didnt
say anything because I wanted Lindsay to like me.
She had brought all sorts of weird drinks in
bottles, and the hookers were drinking them. The
tent was so crowded that there were people
covering every square inch, like a clown car,
except instead of clowns, it was people. The
people started getting real crazy, and I didnt
know why.

Then Kent said it was time for presents.
Kent got me something from Fredericks of
Hollywood, Regina got me a cucumber, Sven gave me
179 dozen red roses, the ugly pet shop lady gave
me some dog hair clippings, the hobos gave me tin
foil hats, and Lindsays hooker friends gave me
nothing but vomit. There was vomit all over the
tent. Pretty soon we were swimming in it. Finally,
the door of the tent blew open and every slid out
of a wave of vomit. I yelled at everyone to leave,
and I got stuck cleaning up vomit all night..

Research essay sample on Cereals Tragic Tales